The Family Part 1: The Husband To The Wife

One of the greatest gifts besides Himself that God has given us is the Family! It is the basis of all society. Through the family, children are born and the next generation learns what it takes to survive and thrive in this world. It also should teach us what it means to serve the LORD and how to forgive.

Patti and Steve June 16, 1990 “Cake Smash Kiss”

The husband and wife are the driving force in a family. This union between a man and woman sets the course for the future. If this relationship is not strong, then the rest falls apart. God tells us in His word that the marriage is a picture of Christ and the church. They should work together seamlessly.

Yet it is this relationship that is so under attack and is undermined in many many ways. People today have forgotten what a marriage was supposed to be. We see the divorce rate ever increasing. Why you ask? Selfishness is the answer.

Instead of becoming “as one” in purpose and direction, each seeks to go their own way. Tearing apart the family, and leaving it shattered on the jagged rocks called self.

The head of this unit is neither the husband nor the wife. The head should be God. Just as the trinity is made up of God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit, the relationship of a marriage is God, the husband, and the wife. In the following passages we will see what this structure is supposed to look like.

22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. 24 Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.

25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, 26 that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, 27 that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. 28 So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church.

30 For we are members of His body, of His flesh and of His bones. 31 “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”32 This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church. 33 Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

These are the verses in scripture among many others that is to govern this beautiful relationship. It is often misused and misunderstood. If they were applied properly, a healthy marriage would grow. The problem is that the world says that it is outdated and man-centric. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Let us look deeper at this to understand. I am going to do this in reverse because this is the order of things as ordained by God.

What is the most important thing to a marriage?

It is not the wife submitting, or the husband loving his wife. 1Corthians 11:3 says 3 But I want you to know that the head of every man is Christ, the head of woman is man, and the head of Christ is God.  The husband submitting to Christ is the key to a marriage made in heaven. It is that submission that will allow Him to love His wife as Christ loves the church.

25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her.

How many husbands can truly say they love their wives as Christ loves the church or even know what that is supposed to look like? I have been married 22 years and am still learning this.

So how does Christ love the church? Christ loves the church so much that He left the comfort of His Kingdom, was born into poverty, isolated, persecuted, bled, tortured, died, and was buried. He rose again three days later in victory over death.

He did not do this because the church was perfect or was better than anyone else. No He did this because He loved us.

This is the beginning of a marriage made in heaven.

Christ did this even though He knew the twist and turns the church would take throughout history. In His eyes she, the church, is perfect already. Do you see your wife as perfect? Yet that is how Jesus sees her ‘as perfect’ so should the husband see her the same way. Forgiving every mistake, and every challenge to your authority as a husband as many times as is necessary.

It also means giving up what is important only to you and how you want to spend your time. Yes that can mean giving up Sunday football or watching your favorite guy type movies and hanging out with the boys. If these pursuits are what you wanted to follow and forsake your wife for, then why did you get married in the first place?

There was a time early in my marriage, before I was saved, that these things were more important to me than my wife. I would spend countless hours and days playing video games, watching sports, and the nightly television shows. I so neglected my wife to the point that she would tell people that she could parade herself in front of me and I would never notice. I would get mad at her and tell her that she was in the way moving around her to see the television or computer screen to continue doing what I was doing. At one point she took to only coming over to me when there was a commercial or a break in the game. Then she stopped coming over all together.

You may ask why did I do these things? That is what I saw and learned in my own house growing up watching my mother and father do this to each other. It did not make it right but this is why.

In a nutshell 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 tells us How Christ loves the church. 4 Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; 5 does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; 6 does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; 7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Men this is how you are to love your wives every moment of every day till death do you part!

You say how can I do this? The task is much too great! What about her submission to me?

Husbands understand this and it will help you to love your wife. God inspired Paul to write this, and this is how God created marriage, so that we would have to depend on Him. This is part of having a relationship with Him. We cannot do this on our own. But through Him all things are possible.

Also, forget what your wife’s part is in this. She is responsible to God just as you are responsible to Him for your part. You cannot make her submit to your authority any more than she can make you love her. God is not going to say husband it is okay that you did not love your wife as I asked because she did not submit to you. No He will remind you of 1 John 4:10 10 In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins.

Husbands no matter what your calling is in this life, this is your first missionary field. It is always your task first and foremost as a testimony of God’s love for the world to those around you! If you do not love your wife as Christ loves the church, and do not have the time for her as He does for the church then you should quit the other pursuits and take care of your wife first!

The world is watching and they want to see whether you are real or whether you are just another hypocrite. That is what Paul means when he writes in 1 Corinthians 13:1-3 Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a clanging cymbal. 2 And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3 And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, but have not love, it profits me nothing.

Gentlemen see how great the task is? See why you must have a relationship with Christ? See how important this is? Oh and realize that not only do you have everyone outside of your house watching but the little eyes and ears, hands and feet are watching you and mimicking your actions too. It is these little blessings that make it even much more important.

Do not be discouraged or disheartened by this task. It takes a lifetime to be made into His image. Take each moment as it comes and have a very short memory of wrongs.  Lean on Jesus Christ to see you through the tough times and lean on Him even more during the good times so you do not become complacent. I have been married to my wife for 22 years. I have steadily grown in this role as husband and will grow even more in the next 22 and beyond.

I hope that this has been an encouragement to you all.

Stephen Cianflone

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